When I was in college I think I tended to show an outward uplifting outlook on things. I was friendly to people most times, cheerful and fun-loving. But below the surface I had all kinds of feelings of self-doubt. I was, and still am, a people-pleaser through and through and perhaps to my own detriment went overboard in attempting to please everyone. Combined with my own self-doubt when it came to forging relationships, it's no wonder that for much of my teen-life I spent in solitude in my bedroom reading or fiddling with fictional stuff.
As an adult, I've allowed my daydreams to get the better of me at times. Especially when it came to women. I would look at a woman I was intereset in and rationalize within myself that it would be a perfect match because we'd both like sports or kids or something. Then I'd either get my hopes dashed or be too chicken to give it a try.
My current romantic situation has been a roller-coaster emotionally. I would get my hopes up that things can be smooth sailing, get confounded by a particular situation, try to build things again, get optimistic again and then get pulled back into feelings of uncertainty and self-doubt. Problem is that I have now become the opposite of what I used to be; I'm now a closet optimist who's regularly getting smashed up whenever the positive feelings are at a peak. I think I'm way too sensitive to emotional things and even though I promised myself I would not allow myself to get bashed around psychologically, it's proven yet again to be another task easier said than done.
I'm not going to say that I have made the wrong decisions because I think that I have done the right thing overall, although belatedly. But things are definitely taking a mental toll.
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